February News Quiz

  1. Walmart is raising the wages of its lowest-paid workers to at least nine dollars an hour because: a) it enjoyed profits of $30 billion last year and felt it was only fair to share its success generously with its hard-working employees; b) it believes its employees will be so grateful for the raise that they’ll lose interest in unionizing; c) it figures it can recoup all the additional payroll money, and more, by cutting back on health insurance benefits because more of its employees are now eligible for Medicaid; or d) it’s confident that at nine dollars an hour, or $18,720 a year, a full-time Walmart employee can now comfortably support a family of four and it won’t have to hear about the inadequate wages it pays anymore?
  2. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the French diplomat once accused of raping a New York City hotel maid, told a court in France that he had only attended twelve sex parties in the past three years and not nearly as many as his accusers alleged. Charged with procuring sex workers for these parties, he said he did not think the women he brought to the parties were prostitutes but thought they were: a) aspiring actresses interested in learning more about foreign affairs; b) models hoping to learn about international finance; c) nuns on a one-week break after ten years of self-imposed isolation; or d) Kardashians?
  3. National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell was paid $35 million in 2013 because: a) it’s hard to find a guy so willing to turn his back when players are beating the hell out of their wives and girlfriends; b) it takes a tough man to ignore complaints from retired players who’ve suffered brain damage as a result of having their concussions treated as minor injuries during their playing careers; c) it takes a special skill to do things like pretend that the league’s most successful team of the past decade doesn’t routinely cheat at almost every aspect of the game; or d) team owners understand the value of a man who can do all their dirty work and still sleep at night?
  4. Radio Shack is on the verge of going out of business because: a) it never figured out how to sell the kind of personal electronic devices people are buying; b) it could never find enough locations for its stores in malls and strip shopping centers; c) knowledgeable but insufferable sales staff; or d) it drowned under the weight of all the names, addresses, and phone numbers it collected over the years from customers who spent $1.49 for a AAA battery?
  5. During a recent baptism ceremony at the Sistine Chapel, Pope Francis told women it was okay to breast-feed their crying children if the children were hungry because: a) he’s a warm-hearted man who’s pained by the sound of children crying; b) he wanted to silence the little buggers; c) he hoped encouraging public breast-feeding would attract more men to future services; or d) it was as close as his holiness can get to looking at naked women since they removed the Wi-Fi from the Vatican?
  6. Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg admitted that she fell asleep during the president’s state-of-the-union address because she had too much wine at dinner before the speech. She said she drank too much and ended up falling asleep because: a) the wine at dinner was too good to pass up; b) she’s eighty-one years old and it was past her bedtime; c) dread over needing to sit through another speech in which Obama sounds great but says nothing; or d) she thought she’d need it to get through the evening after learning she’d be sitting next to Clarence Thomas?
  7. After several lethal assaults on Jewish individuals, institutions, and organizations in Europe, Israel’s prime minister invited Jews living in Europe to emigrate to his country because: a) they shouldn’t live in such a dangerous environment; b) you can’t get decent corned beef in Paris, Barcelona, Copenhagen, or London; c) Israel is the land of milk and money; or d) nothing’s safer than living in Israel?
  8. House Speaker John Boehner said he was prepared to let funding for the Department of Homeland Security lapse if Congress and the president can’t agree on that funding because: a) he’s only the speaker of the House, so it’s not as if he has any real power over what Congress does or doesn’t do; b) he believes in small government and doesn’t mind if there’s no Department of Homeland Security; c) he’s soft on terrorism; or d) he likes the idea that if there’s no Department of Homeland Security and then there’s a terrorist attack he can blame it all on the president?
  9. A “superbug” is: a) a potentially deadly germ spread primarily by a certain type of endoscope; b) a forty-years-later sequel to the movie Super Fly; c) a new electric car from Volkswagen; or d) the virus that the NSA has illegally implanted in your computer, cell phone, and laptop to monitor all of your communication?
  10. The Academy Award for best movie of the year went to: a) Birdman; b) American Sniper; c) Boyhood; or d) we don’t know yet: the award ceremony started last Sunday night and still appears to have another hour or so to go?
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