A Whole Different Kind of Fitbit

For women.

For their…

Okay, let’s start with a little background first and work our way up to this.

Step aside, Fitbit

The Curmudgeon doesn’t get all the fuss about the Fitbit and other such devices.  He knows how to take his own pulse, as if such a thing is ever necessary.  He knows how much sleep he gets because, well, he’s known how to tell time since he was four years old.  He has no earthly idea why anyone, under any circumstances, feels a need to keep track of how many steps they take in a given day.  He knows, in a way the Fitbit folks will never admit, that any attempt to measure how many calories we burn while exercising is a ballpark estimate and shouldn’t be taken too seriously.  And he knows that no device is going to encourage him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

He has a wife and a mother for that.

Is a Fitbit a cool toy, a fun thing?  Perhaps.  But The Curmudgeon just can’t see any real value in such gizmos.

But there’s product to move and money to make and markets to corner, and now, the Fitbit has inspired a… different kind of device for tracking human activity and motion.

Only a very…different kind of human activity and motion.

As a public service, because this device has received far less attention than its highly publicized cousin twice-removed on its mother’s side, The Curmudgeon would like to introduce you to a whole ‘nother kind of Fitbit.

Not to be confused with…

Meet the Elvie.

The Elvie is – The Curmudgeon may be reaching a new low here –

A kegel tracker.

Ladies, pay attention.  Gentlemen, he’ll give you a moment to look up “kegel” before we continue.

The makers of Elvie describe it as “Your most personal trainer.”

Personal indeed!

And they offer a lot more in the way of description.

Unlikely to be interested

Why do you need the Elvie, ladies?  Allow the Elvie’s creators to explain.

Discover your inner strength

Five-minute workouts for your pelvic floor
Better core strength, bladder control, and yes,
even better sex.

Oooooh, got your attention with that “better sex” part, didn’t they?

So why do we (that’s the royal “we,” not the literal “we”) need the Elvie?

1 in 3 have pelvic floor problems

50% of those have related back problems

91% found exercising with Elvie beneficial

Please, tell us more!

A strong pelvic floor helps prepare your body rebound [sic] from the strains of pregnancy, childbirth, ageing [sic] and impact sports.

Did you even know you had a pelvic floor?

Probably would really benefit

And does it work?

8 out of 10 women see results in as little as two weeks!

Learn your body

Love your body. 90% of our users would recommend our kegel tracker to a friend.

Recommend to a friend?  Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall when two women have a conversation that leads one of them to recommend a kegel tracker to the other?

What’s not to love about a fun five-minute workout that gets real results?

Okay, Elvie maker, we still want to know more about this pelvic floor business.

NOT for use on pelvic floors

The pelvic floor is a powerful little set of muscles that sits like a hammock between your tailbone and pubic bone. Hidden, but very important, it lifts and holds your core, affecting core stability, bladder control and even sex.

So if we (again, the royal “we”) have had this pelvic floor for millennia, why do we need to start paying attention to it now?

Weak pelvic floor muscles are likely to cause more than half of all women bladder, sex or prolapse problems. Physical activities and life events like impact sports, pregnancy, and giving birth weaken these muscles. When done correctly, however, kegels develop muscle tone and maintain strength.

But where will you find room in your home for such a contraption?

The Elvie

The smallest kegel tracker available. Over 98% of our testers found it comfortable to use. Simply insert it and track your progress…

Um, INSERT?

There is even an optional cover for custom sizing.

Do they actually have people whose job is to come to your home and… measure for this custom sizing?

Ready for your fitting, ma’am?

So how does this device work?

Feeling competitive? Try setting records in our Speed and Pulse challenges.

Quick, call the Guinness Book of World Records people!

Start now and become a #squeezesquad guru in no time.

A guru!

Less mindless squeezing, more measurable results.

Measurable?  MEASURABLE?

So why a device for something like this?  The Elvie people explain.

It’s hard to exercise a muscle you can’t see. Without feedback, you simply don’t know how you’re doing. (It’s kind of like trying to lose weight without a scale). So we designed and patented a new way to measure force that allows you to visualize your exercises in real-time. Our kegel tracker even corrects your technique, since 30% of women push down instead of lifting up, which can lead to damage.

So what kind of device is this?

Made with medical grade silicone, our kegel tracker is 100% waterproof and has passed rigorous testing.

Our world class team combines the expertise of a head engineer from Dyson and a co-founder of Jawbone. Together, we have set new standards for women’s technology, recently winning “Best R&D Award” at The Design Museum in London.

So why do you need a specialized device?

 Kegel products are often designed from existing sex toys…

Okay, let’s pause for a moment; The Curmudgeon just started hyperventilating.

…which can be too big or uncomfortable. So we started from scratch, to craft the perfect shape that you could, and would, use anywhere.

Seriously:  anywhere?

At the dinner table?

At the office?

“Yeah, I was just checking…my messages.”

AT CHURCH?

And where do you see your results?  After all, it’s not like such a discreet device is going to have much of a data display or monitor.

When you use Elvie, it sends data from your workouts to your phone.

In other words, when you’re out to lunch with a friend and you see her checking her phone, she could be checking her…

Which makes the Elvie a diet aid, too, because the very thought is going to make you lose your appetite.

Every aspect of the design has been meticulously considered, and reconsidered, based on feedback from real women.

Yeah, no results from any of those fake women.

Wouldn’t benefit from an Elvie at all

We know you want a small, discreet product with custom sizing. The result is a kegel tracker created by women, for women.

Sounds like these folks really, really know women.

Or at least how to separate them from some of their money.

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