Tag Archives: Dr. Leonard

Carol Wright, Dildo Queen

Anyone who has ever made the mistake of ordering something from a catalogue knows what to expect next:  an avalanche of more catalogues.  They’re like rabbits:  put them together and they multiply at an alarming rate.  But when The Curmudgeon’s mother asked her boy to order something for her from a Carol Wright catalogue, he had little choice but to comply.

Even though he knew what was coming.

And come it has:  several catalogues a week from different companies, all offering merchandise at low low prices for which The Curmudgeon has no no need.

The leader of the pack, without question, is Carol Wright herself; the lady is an absolute catalogue machine.  Her company is single-handedly deforesting great swaths of the American northwest.

On occasion – okay, in the bathroom – The Curmudgeon browses through some of these catalogues, and he’s noticed that amid cute little aprons with adorable cats on them and convenient contraptions for storing your batteries and comfy-looking beds for your dog are lots of devices to, how shall we say this, bring greater pleasure to female shoppers.

If you know what The Curmudgeon means.

You see, Carol Wright and her offspring have a thing for dildoes and vibrators.

On page 16 of the Carol Wright catalogue that recently arrived is a pink item bearing the headline “Silky-Soft Sensation” and a promise that “With a flexible bullet top textured with soft nibs, this sexy massager is sure to tickle your fantasies!”

It has nibs.  Nibs!  How could it possibly fail to tickle those fantasies?

On the same page is yet another pink device, this one with two prongs that “features three speeds and an innovative design to stimulate the G-spot and the clitoris at the same time.”

Oh, Carol!

On the following page is a “waterproof rabbit massager” that has “rotating pleasure beads” that “will stimulate you like no other!”

Indeed!

And on the same page, yet another – this one purple.  “Feels like a soft touch,” the ad boasts,” and “feels like real skin.”   Hmmm – maybe discarded foreskins?

But the fun’s not over.  On page 46 are two more items:  a pink number that “bends and flexes” (does the real thing flex?) and another that’s “three times the fun” in a package with “three interchangeable tips.”  Three tips?  Is that so you can find the one that’s closest to your husband/boyfriend/ex-boyfriend or so you can be have a little variety in your sex life while remaining faithful?

To the right, on page 47, are three more:  “Tease your way to ecstasy,” which appears to be a finger attachment/extension; “Pleasure you’ve only dreamed of,” which looks a bit like Gene Rayburn’s old Match Game microphone and is described as a “velvety soft, power-packed massager;” and a cherry red device billed as “experience your wildest fantasy” and boasting of “10 exciting functions.”  Ten?  Ten?  Does that mean it even lights your cigarette afterward?

Carol Wright has a cousin, too:  Dr. Leonard, an off-shoot of Ms. Wright whose catalogue has a slightly more medical orientation.  Even so, it does not ignore the ladies.  Dr. Leonard – Ms. Wright’s ob/gyn, perhaps? – starts the ball rolling on page 26 with a pink device that boasts “experience amazing butterfly kisses,” a $14.99 model that promises to “excite your G-spot” and a blue, two-headed gizmo “with a bendable shaft that’s ribbed to please.”  The following page offers another pink device that features a remote control – maybe you need a friend to help? – and a purple “10-function bendie” that looks sort of like the plumbing beneath a kitchen or bathroom sink.

But Dr. Leonard isn’t done.  On page 42 is a pink number that looks like a wood rasp – ouch – that urges you to “bend it, flex it,” a purple item that will help you “enjoy twice the fun” (how does one measure fun?), and two items on the opposite page:  the finger-extension gizmo from the Carol Wright catalogue and the blue one that boasts of “unbelievable sensations.”  There’s also an ad for Dr. Laura Berman’s “vibrating clitoral pump,” but really, The Curmudgeon neither understands this nor particularly wants to understand it.

So there you have it, readers.  While Carol Wright may appear to be this wholesome purveyor of all-American products designed to make your house nicer and prettier and more comfortable, she really offers much, much more.

She is Carol Wright, America’s dildo queen!