Tag Archives: May News Quiz

May News Quiz

  1. A Pennsylvania woman who disappeared from her home in 2002 and was declared dead in 2009 recently resurfaced 1000 miles away, in Florida.  When asked to explain her eleven-year absence, the woman said:  a) I had to get away from my husband; b) the lines at Disneyworld’s “Space Mountain” ride were unbelievable; c) traffic was a bitch; or d) they always exaggerate when they say your pizza will be ready in twenty minutes?
  2. When confronted with proof that the IRS had targeted conservative and tea party political groups for extra scrutiny, the agency’s director explained that:  a) we feel we had legitimate concerns about whether these groups qualified for the tax exemptions they were applying for; b) we were just trying to help out our boss, the president; c) we were just trying to embarrass our boss, the president; or d) we’re the IRS and we’ll do whatever we damn well please?
  3. It was recently revealed that actor Charlie Sheen’s children by his most recent ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, are being cared for by his previous ex-wife, Denise Richards, while Mueller is being treated for a drug problem.  This step was necessary because:  a) Mueller has a drug problem and clearly isn’t fit to care for her own children; b) Sheen certainly wasn’t going to take care of his own children himself; c) Richards is the only responsible adult with whom Sheen has a relationship; or d) Ashton Kutcher wasn’t available to care for Sheen’s children?
  4. U.S. Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL) wants to propose a law that would prohibit the federal Centers for Disease Control and Management from participating in campaigns to publicize the negative health effects of any kinds of foods and beverages, claiming that such campaigns attack Americans’ freedom of choice.  In defending his idea, Schock said that:  a) what people don’t know won’t hurt them; b) it’s every American’s god-given right to eat or drink himself to an early death; c) I’ve always eaten and drank whatever I wanted and look how good I turned out; or d) just because the government spends billions of dollars of public money doing research on the potential effects of various foods and beverages doesn’t mean we need to share that information with the public that paid for that research?
  5. The feud between golfers Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia escalated last week when Garcia, when asked if he would get together with Woods during an upcoming tournament, said that “We’ll have him ‘round every night.  We will serve fried chicken.”  Faced with immediate public backlash, Garcia refused to back down, insisting that:  a) I always – always – serve fried chicken when I have company; b) I’ve eaten with Tiger before and he always orders the fried chicken; c) Tiger’s only part black, so obviously this wasn’t intended as a racial slur.  If that had been my intent, I also would have mentioned some food that’s Chinese or Japanese or whatever the hell he is; or d) I’m from Spain and don’t know about any of those ridiculous stereotype comments that Americans make about each other.  Now if Tiger was Portuguese I’d have a lot of great insults for him?
  6.  A few years ago, Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett said that jobless residents of his state would rather collect unemployment than look for work.  A few weeks ago he said that jobs in his state go unfilled because companies can’t find prospective workers who can pass drug tests.  Last week he said he had no Latinos on his staff because he couldn’t find a qualified Latino in the entire state.  These assertions demonstrate clearly that Pennsylvania has:  a) a lazy workforce problem; b) a drug-abusing workforce problem; c) an undereducated, unqualified Latino workforce problem; or d) a Governor Tom Corbett problem?
  7. At a recent meeting of McDonald’s shareholders, the company president defended the fast food empire’s marketing to children, saying of Ronald McDonald that “Ronald is not a bad guy.  He’s about fun.  He’s a clown.  I’d urge you all to let your kids have fun, too.”  The executive believes that McDonald’s aggressive marketing of young people is appropriate because:  a) a high-calorie, high-fat, high-sodium, high-sugar diet is good for children; b) McDonald’s profits are more important than the health of its customers; c) America is all about freedom of choice and anyone who would try to change that has to be some kind of communist; or d) until we figure out a way to put nicotine in our food, we’ll have to settle for lots of calories, lots of fat, lots of salt, and lots of sugar?
  8. The city council of the town of Nelson, Georgia recently passed a law requiring its residents to own a gun and ammunition to “provide for the emergency management of the city” and “provide for and protect the safety, security and general welfare of the city and its inhabitants.”  The council’s president defended the new law, stating that:  a) the constitution says we’re all required to bear arms, so I don’t understand all the fuss;  b) everyone knows that our god-given right to bear arms is right there in the bible; c) we’ve been having some border clashes lately with our neighbors in Jasper and want to be ready in case it gets serious; or d) when a man goes out drinking on a Friday or Saturday night he’s especially vulnerable to being mugged or robbed, but knowing that he’s armed should give everyone around him a feeling of safety?
  9. A study published in the journal Annals of Family Medicine reported that patients with osteoarthritis of the knee received more pain relief from an injection of what is essentially sugar water than they do from exercise, physical therapy, and other forms of treatment.  The most common reaction to this news has been:  a) outrage from doctors who perform knee surgery; b) outrage from pharmaceutical companies that sell pain-killers; c) disapproval from New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who’s upset because Americans already have too much sugar in their diets; or d) inquiries from patients who are wondering if they could get the same benefit if they just eat a lot of chocolate?
  10. Harvard history professor Niall Ferguson dismissed the work of noted economist John Maynard Keynes, suggesting that because Keynes was gay and had no children, he had less of an interest in the future than other people.  Such a statement suggests that:  a) people named Niall must all be stupid; b) because Ferguson was born in Scotland, people from Scotland must all be stupid; c) Ferguson was unduly influenced by his first wife, whose last name is “Ali” and who therefore must be virulently anti-American; or d) Harvard’s not hiring them as smart as it used to, is it?

May News Quiz

  1. Earlier this month, the CIA thwarted another aspiring al-Qaeda underwear bomber.  This latest intelligence success tells us that:  a) the CIA is really good at undercover work; b) someone at the CIA is really into men’s underwear; c) Muslim terrorists aren’t as fond of their testicles as American men; or d) sometimes, Hanes doesn’t make you feel good all under?
  2. France recently elected as its new president Francois Hollande, a man who has never been married but has four children by a former girlfriend of thirty-four years.  This tells us that:  a) the French were too busy drinking all that wine even to notice; b) the French are much more sophisticated about this kind of thing than Americans; c) the French really must have disliked the guy he beat; or d) if he doesn’t go to jail, John Edwards may have a future in French politics?
  3. A foreign policy consultant hired by Mitt Romney’s campaign earlier this month resigned from his position after complaints from the Christian right about the participation of a gay person in the campaign.  This is proof that:  a) Republicans really hate gay people; b) gay people who are Republicans are idiots; c) Republicans would rather receive advice from a less-able, less-qualified person than from someone who knows more but is gay; or d) according to Republicans, only heterosexuals should be permitted to have foreign affairs?
  4. In New York City last week, ultra-orthodox Jews held a rally against the internet.  Their primary objection was:  a) Amazon.com charges $24.99 for their favorite brand of yarmulke, so no free shipping; b) not enough pictures of Natalie Portman; c) Emeril Lagasse’s suggestion to cook Chanukah latkes in bacon grease; or d) recent subscription price increase for “Hentai and Yenta” Jewish porn site?
  5. In response to a question from a constituent about the prospects for peace in the middle east, Pennsylvania congressman Joe Pitts recently wrote that “it is now incumbent on Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat” to negotiate a peace deal.  Arafat, of course, died in 2004 and Sharon has been in a coma since a 2006 stroke.  Congressman Pitts’s letter is a clear sign that:  a) Pitts gives new meaning to the word “stupid;” b) President Obama should replace Secretary of State Hillary Clinton with Shirley MacLaine and attempt to channel Arafat and Sharon; c) Pitts probably needs to revisit his campaign strategy of hoping to get re-elected to Congress by riding Ronald Reagan’s coattails; or d) all of this fuss proves there’s a left-wing conspiracy to cast an unfavorable light on some Republican members of Congress solely because they have no idea what they’re talking about?
  6. Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue recently celebrated their thirty-second wedding anniversary.  It makes one think that:  a) it’s great to see a celebrity marriage that works out for a change; b) Phil Donahue is a pretty luck guy; c) Marlo Thomas is a pretty lucky girl; or d) Donald Hollinger really blew it?
  7. Now that charges have been dropped against Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the French diplomat accused of sexually assaulting a New York City hotel maid, he is suing that maid for $1 million.  This suggests that:  a) he really must be innocent, because all of the details will surely come out in a trial; b) he wants to keep his name in the news because he’s still eager to run for president of France; c) he did it but thinks it will enhance his reputation because being a pervert will by no means harm him in the eyes of French voters; or d) he has no idea how much hotel maids are paid in the U.S.?
  8. Campbell Soup has announced that it will raise the prices of its condensed soups five percent next month.  The company is doing this because:  a) it’s not selling enough soup and thinks making it more expensive will make it more appealing to upscale consumers who crave good canned soup; b) it wants to cash in on increased demand in the summer months, when the temperatures climb into the eighties and nineties and people want more hot soup; c) it expects an upsurge of demand when Sofia Vergara cooks a green bean casserole using cream of mushroom soup on an upcoming episode of Modern Family; or d) Campbell executives are mmm mmm dumb?
  9. A Chinese company recently bought AMC Entertainment, the second-largest operator of movie theaters in the U.S.  In the near future, AMC customers should expect:  a) no comedies shown at AMC theaters anymore because the Chinese have no sense of humor; b) no movies with nudity shown at AMC theaters anymore because the Chinese believe nudity in the movies is immoral; c) revamped concession stands:  out with the popcorn and in with new tofu-on-a-stick treats in three flavors – squid, lychee, and oyster sauce; or d) weekly Charlie Chan film festivals?
  10. Facebook’s IPO turned out to be a disappointment because:  a) investors don’t understand how Facebook’s going to make money in the future because businesses are starting to realize that no one looks at the ads; b) it turns out that Facebook’s primary users, fifteen-year-old girls, are still in the Tiger Beat market, not the equities market; c) even high-flying investors think that trying to make money on a business that’s essentially an electronic peeping tom is creepy; or d) investors fear it’s only a matter of time before Facebook crosses the line in invading people’s privacy, a major scandal erupts, and Facebook goes the way of AOL, Alta Vista, and Netscape?